EU Parliament to ditch Strasbourg trips thanks to American intervention

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

It’s finally happened! The European Parliament’s monthly commutes to Strasbourg have long been criticized for the cost to taxpayers, but have been staunchly defended by the French on the grounds that tarte flambée is delicious, which is a fair point.

But now that the eastern regions of Alsace and Lorraine are no longer part of France, the Parliament can be based purely in Brussels, with no more annoying, long journeys (although it was all worth it when, in 2023, a train carrying hundreds of MEPs and European Parliament officials took a wrong turn and ended up at Disneyland Paris).

Yes, France is now a different size. Presumably, after causing a distraction by wearing those sunglasses, Emmanuel Macron was able to take over parts of Belgium and Spain without anyone noticing. Alas, he simultaneously lost a couple of eastern regions (albeit ones that were basically German anyway).

At least that’s the version of France presented by the National Basketball Association, which introduced French superstar Victor Wembanyama at its All-Star Game by showing a very outdated map of France.

“I want to reassure our neighbors, we did not provide the map,” Macron tweeted in response to the NBA’s gaffe.

The NBA has always been political, and that shows no sign of slowing down. At a game in London last month, the rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” was interrupted by a heckler shouting “Leave Greenland alone”, which led to cheers and applause from the crowd.

The London game came as the NBA eyes expansion into Europe with a planned 2027 launch in cities around the continent. Team names being considered include Paris Arrogance, Brussels Bureaucrats, and Berlin Bloody Hipsters.

However, Wembanyama wasn’t the most impressive athlete of the week: that was U.S. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who posted a workout video with Kid Rock (or Trad Bunny as he’s sometimes known).

In the video, which is, astonishingly, not AI-generated, Kennedy does push-ups, rides an exercise bike and gets into a tub while wearing jeans (maybe he’s a ‘never nude’) and then drinks some milk (a caption helpfully points out that it’s “WHOLE MILK” and none of that woke milk that young people drink).

At no point in the video does Kennedy snort cocaine off of a toilet seat, even though earlier this month, he admitted doing just that. Oh, and it was toilet seats, as in more than one toilet seat, which raises the question, “Does snorting cocaine off toilet seats lead to parasitic worms in the brain?” The European Centre for Disease Prevention and Control needs to tell us!

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