From platinum level to the children’s table: How a multispeed Europe might work

An EU in which different countries get different benefits appears closer than ever.

By PAUL DALLISON

^{Illustration by Natália Delgado/POLITICO}

Paul Dallison writes Declassified, a weekly satirical column.

A Hare was making fun of the Tortoise one day for being so slow.

“Do you ever get anywhere?” he asked with a mocking laugh.

“Yes,” replied the Tortoise, “and I get there sooner than you think. I’ll run you a race and prove it.”

“The Tortoise and the Hare” by Aesop

It would seem that an increasing number of EU countries are fed up with being asked, “Do you ever get anywhere?” and, unlike the Tortoise in the fable, not actually winning.

While the EU has traditionally sought to advance in lockstep (or at least pretend that’s the case), the idea of moving ahead with a multispeed Europe is gaining traction. Leaders meeting in the Belgian countryside for an informal retreat this month cautiously backed the idea that some reforms would have to be carried out by a smaller group of countries.

“Often we move forward with the speed of the slowest,” European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen told journalists. “The enhanced cooperation model avoids that.” In EU jargon, “enhanced cooperation” means “screw you and your objections, we’re doing this anyway.”

As if to prove the point, a pre-summit breakfast meeting saw 19 of the 27 leaders turn up for wentelteefje while Spain’s Pedro Sánchez and Ireland’s Micheál Martin complained they hadn’t been invited. Martin said “I don’t get the necessity” of a private club convening separately — but he’d better get used to it.

A multispeed Europe is an idea that has been long in the making — pushed by France in particular — and has been given impetus by the trigger-happy nature of U.S. President Donald Trump, who isn’t afraid to launch a military offensive before he’s polished off his first McMuffin of the morning.

So we now have the E6 — Germany, France, Italy, Spain, the Netherlands and Poland — meeting to discuss financial issues. Much to Keir Starmer’s chagrin, the U.K. is not in the group of six even though the E6 is also an area of East London, home to Central Park (not that one) and Flip Out! (“London E6’s Best Indoor Trampoline & Adventure Park!“).

The EU loves a number-based grouping, of course. There’s the Frugal Four (Austria, Denmark, the Netherlands and Sweden), a group of superheroes on a mission to get us to reuse teabags, and their sworn enemy the Visegrad Four (Poland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia and Hungary).

But whereas talk on how Europe moved ahead at different speeds was dubbed “two-speed,” more levels will likely be needed, especially if new countries end up joining.

So, taking inspiration from crowdfunding sites where the more you give, the more stuff you get in return, here are some membership options that the EU could offer to countries.

Platinum level

What you get…

• Ability to fast-track everything from whatever we’re calling the capital markets union this week to an EU army.
• Full voting rights.
• Ability to choose your own commissioner without backlash from Brussels (whether you want to follow the traditional path of “old white dude” or if you’re feeling reckless and fancy going for the “problematic pick” (complete with dodgy past that may or may not involve racist/sexist/homophobic statements and/or social media posts) or even the increasingly popular “clearly unsuited to the role” choice.
• 10 years of Platinum Club membership guaranteed, with no option to leave (this was added at the request of Emmanuel Macron, as apparently something is happening in France in 2027 that might have a teensy-weensy impact on the EU).
• 24/7 use of the helipad on the roof of the Berlaymont.
• Personal chef to cater to your every culinary whim at EU summits.

Business level

What you get…

• Ability to join the fast-track group upon request (up to three times before you’re automatically upgraded to Platinum).
• Full voting rights.
• Selection of two options for European commissioner (one male, one female), but you can ignore the Commission’s preferred choice and just pick the dull guy.
• 20 Blue Book trainees to gather outside the Council HQ when you arrive for EU summits and to cheer, to try to fool people into thinking someone important has turned up.
• Traditional EU summit food (but you get to have one meal per year that features your national cuisine).

Basic level

What you get…

• A seat at the Council table (Platinum members reserve the right to ask you to leave if something particularly sensitive comes up).
• The promise of voting rights (one day).
• One European commissioner to represent all Basic member countries. Which country gets the pick will depend on which national capital pledges the most money to finish the Schuman roundabout.
• Exki sandwiches at EU summits.

Hungary

What you get…

• Nothing.