Pro tips on crushing a right-wing insurgency, from Emmanuel Macron* to Keir Starmer

*(As imagined by Clea Caulcutt)

Très cher Keir, cher ami,

I hear the honeymoon didn’t last long. You’ve barely got your feet under the table at No. 10 and already that pesky populist Nigel Farage is snapping at your heels.

Fear not! After eight years I’ve totally learned how to deal with Marine Le Pen and keep her and the rest of the far right in check.

So in the spirit of the Entente Cordiale and the U.K.-EU reset, let me impart some friendly advice to rid yourself of that pesky Farage.

Call a snap election

I know, you’ve got 403 members of parliament after a landslide election last year and polls say that if you called a snap election now, Reform UK could win a staggering 271 seats.

Everyone said the same thing last last summer when I dissolved parliament. No one expected it, not even my own government.

But that short three-week campaign managed to expose the National Rally as a disorganized and bush-league political force. I mean, the party ended up running candidates who were photographed wearing Nazi outfits and accused of taking someone hostage!

All those polls that said they would sweep to power? As my good friend Donald Trump likes to say:Wrong.

Sure, Le Pen’s troops may have a few more seats. And maybe my centrists lost their majority. And yes, my allies sort of hate me now.

But … no regrets here, because I no longer have the threat of a National Rally landslide hanging over me.

Nothing like a new narrative to flush out the old one.

Spend, Spend, Spend

I see you’re already following in my footsteps with this one. Rewriting the Treasury investment rules last month to invest billions in Farage’s Red Wall target seats is an excellent move.

But the really important thing, Keir, is to get the timing right. You should’ve done this months ago. Those Red Wall billions came far too late.

Last year, when we had to quell a spiraling farmer’s revolt, we didn’t waste any time. I told my prime minister to handle it, and he immediately froze tax hikes, increased financial support and sped up handing out EU cash.

It was over before it had even started.

So, next time, just spend the money right away and let the next guy deal with the debt you rack up. Plus, it’s not like you have to deal with Brussels worrying about your deficits anymore.

Maybe start by loosening the purse strings to save the National Health Service? Oh sorry, I think you’ve already tried that one.

Beat ’em at their own game

If the punters like what Reform UK is giving them, why not let ’em have it them? With your own personal twist, of course.

I’ve been doing it all these years. Le Pen bangs on about immigration and the threat of Islamism, but it’s my ministers investigating the Muslim Brotherhood. The National Rally harps on about the good old days, but they’re just talk. I’m the one bringing back school uniforms.

Le Pen rattles on about nationalism and “France to the French,” I say we need more sovereignty. She says France protects, I say Europe protects!

How about some more pint-drinking? Maybe slam those Labour rebels as “utterly bloody barmy” once in a while? Maybe un-retract your controversial anti-migration “island of strangers” line and just go with the flow?

Be the empire you were meant to be

Sure, we’ve come down in the world, but we’re still major economies and nuclear powers. We can’t always be bothered with pesky problems at home when trying to fix planet Earth.

At the moment, I’m tackling world peace. I’ve been on the phone with Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and my many, many European friends. I’m pushing for the recognition of Palestine, rebooting nuclear talks with Iran and definitively ending the war in Ukraine. Surely I can etch my name in history with one of them … right?

You’ve got to find something that distracts voters from all the Farage noise. Do your voters care about our coalition of the willing? If not, why don’t you try fighting climate change? Or maybe just rescue a puppy from a burning building?

Mes amitiés,

Emmanuel.

P.S. If all that fails, just resign in 2027 and we can commiserate together.