‘Welcome to hell’: A sneak peek into Nicolas Sarkozy’s prison memoir

Paul Dallison writes Declassified, a weekly satirical column.

Looking for a Christmas gift for someone who is a) interested in French politics and b) loves often poor writing? Then fear not, because Nicolas Sarkozy’s prison memoir is here!

The former French president’s “Diary of a Prisoner” comes to all good prison libraries and bookstores on Dec. 10, but POLITICO has an advance copy and has read it despite common sense dictating it was a terrible idea.

As a reminder, Sarkozy (prison number 320535) spent 20 days in prison, and his book is 216 pages long — that’s just under 11 pages per day of incarceration.

Sarkozy, 70, was imprisoned after being found guilty of allowing “close collaborators” and “unofficial intermediaries” to try to obtain funding from Moammar Gadhafi’s regime in Libya for his 2007 presidential run. That made him the first former French head of state to end up behind bars since Nazi collaborator Philippe Pétain.

“I want to make it clear that this is not a novel,” Sarkozy writes in the intro, thereby dashing any lingering hope that the book might have an interesting narrative arc rather than being an account of one man’s stay in jail for less than three weeks with two bodyguards in the cell next door.

In terms of suspense, there’s little, as Sarkozy describes his prison cell as being like a “low-end hotel.” Although that, of course, relies on the reader’s believing that Sarkozy has ever stayed in an Ibis budget hotel (breakfast not included, with a view of the car park).

Sarkozy’s acclimation to life behind bars provides quite an insight into a man who has enjoyed the wealth and trappings of fame. Early on he tries to open a window and “immediately regretted it” because of the noise it caused. “A prisoner was relentlessly striking the bars of his cell with a metal object. This racket lasted several minutes. It seemed endless to me. The atmosphere was threatening. Welcome to hell!”

It’s unclear if the bar-striking prisoner was also the “neighboring inmate [who] spent part of his time singing ‘The Lion King’ and the other part pounding on the bars of his cell with a spoon.” Here’s hoping it wasn’t a soup spoon, as that would have been a massive faux pas.

Thankfully, despite the noise and the inadequacy of the bed — “I had never felt a harder mattress, not even during my military service” while “the pillows were made of a strange material, perhaps plastic, and the blankets were blankets in name only” — Sarkozy managed to sleep until 7 a.m. his first night behind bars. That’s despite knowing that “my future neighbors would be, depending on the case, Islamist terrorists, rapists, murderers, or drug traffickers. A delightful prospect!”

There are some lovely details in the book, including that Sarkozy’s cell had been adapted for “inmates with reduced mobility, for example, people in wheelchairs.” As a result, “the mirror was firmly fixed to the wall at a height that allowed me to clearly see all the details of the belt of my trousers. On the other hand, I had to bend double to comb my hair or trim my beard.” Thank goodness Sarkozy is only 1.65 meters tall (or 5 feet 5 inches, if you prefer), quite a bit below the average in France.

We also get details of the daily routine. “Wake up early. Make the bed immediately. Wash, shave, dress properly. No pajamas, no negligence.” That would make a great Sarkozy family motto: Sine pyjamatibus, sine negligentia.

Lunch is delivered at a scandalously early 11:30 a.m., “and I truly had no appetite. I don’t think I missed much by declining the meal offered in small plastic trays, which, without meaning any offense to whoever had prepared them, were not very appealing.” He later says the smell of the food trays made him feel “nauseous” and decries the “soggy baguette” offered at lunchtime. To be fair, that does sound awful.

He spends the day reading. Before his incarceration Sarkozy told Le Figaro that he would be taking with him a copy of Alexandre Dumas’ “The Count of Monte Cristo” — the story of a man who escapes prison after being falsely accused of treason and locked up without trial — along with a biography of Jesus Christ by Jean-Christian Petitfils (which tells the story of, well, you probably know how that one goes).

But there is the customary exercise break. “The walks in the courtyard were surreal,” Sarkozy writes. “There were few words exchanged. Each man remained locked in his own thoughts, his own story. Pain has a way of making people silent. Suffering rarely likes noise.” Unless you’re banging a spoon against the bars of the cell while singing “Circle of Life.”

He uses the gym equipment daily, imagining himself running in the forest of Saint-Léger-en-Yvelines or the seashore of Cap Nègre.

Alas, the post-workout shower was a challenge. “Perhaps out of fear that an inmate might hang himself, there was no showerhead, only a thin trickle of water.”

He adds: “The worst part was that this thin stream of water stopped very quickly, like a timer. You constantly had to find the button and press it” — which sounds like the showers in any given public swimming pool.

Before we get to the time in prison, there are precious moments of pre-prison life. His wife Carla Bruni’s “first words upon waking were: ‘What a nightmare! What have we done to deserve all this horror?'” — which is definitely how ordinary people speak.

Sarkozy also writes about his meeting with current President Emmanuel Macron at the Élysée Palace, days before he headed to jail. “I had nothing to say to him and had little desire for a friendly chat.” Macron, however, told Sarkozy that he would have him transferred to another, supposedly safer, prison. Sarkozy was having none of it and refused “preferential treatment” — apart from the bodyguards next door.

Bruni is a regular visitor, of course, but Sarkozy reveals that former Prime Minister Michel Barnier also requested a visit. Having been the EU’s point man on Brexit, Barnier is used to dealing with impossibly grim conditions.

Lots of other political figures get a mention. Sarkozy thanks far-right leader Marine Le Pen for her support, and far-left leader Jean-Luc Mélenchon for not saying anything. But he slams his electoral opponent Ségolène Royal for “claiming, without a hint of irony, that she lost the 2007 election because of Gadhafi’s money!” and says former Interior Minister Bruno Retailleau “called me regularly, but did nothing more publicly.”

Thankfully, after these 20 days of “hell,” Sarkozy’s appeal is held and he is released from prison and able to start penning his jailhouse diaries — just in time for them to become a Christmas best-seller (maybe).