Brussels, Qatar and deep space: Here’s the Trump, Putin, Zelenskyy talks host short list

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

It’s happening! Donald Trump, Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Vladimir Putin will soon be all together in a room and will end the war in Ukraine. Everyone can rest easy and we can all go back to bed as there’s nothing else in the world to worry about (have you been at the office gin supply again? — ed).

Now, there is a teeny-tiny chance that Putin refuses to agree to such talks (and by teeny-tiny, I mean a 100 percent chance) but maybe there’s one man who can help turn fantasy into reality — Gianni Infantino, the head of world football’s governing body, FIFA.

Infantino is rapidly becoming besties with Trump, and even invited him to present the trophy at the expanded Club World Cup in July. Infantino has visited the White House and Mar-a-Lago, and FIFA even opened an office in Trump Tower ahead of next year’s World Cup in the U.S., Mexico and Canada. The football chief isn’t afraid of hanging out with Putin either. He has received an Order of Friendship medal from the Russian president.

But where oh where should these talks be held?

French President Emmanuel Macron suggested that such a meeting could take place in Geneva, and the Swiss said they would grant “immunity” to Putin if that happened. Trump is also considering Budapest for the talks, as it’s home to his old pal Viktor Orbán (who could maybe show them around his private zoo as an icebreaker).

But Declassified can reveal that there is a list of other potential venues for the trilateral talks (or, for those of you who have worked in the EU bubble for a long time, a trilogue).

The list was found on the back of a napkin from the Exki sandwich shop on the Schuman roadworks/roundabout and makes clear that there are certain conditions that should be met, including easy access to McDonald’s and that while the venue could be in a hotel, it can’t be on the higher floors as enemies of Putin do tend to have trouble staying on the right side of balconies.

Here are the potential venues for the historic meeting:

Brussels

Where: Belgian capital, home of the EU institutions, NATO and fully functioning bureaucracy. No need to ask the city’s government for permission as there isn’t one.

Pros: Many office buildings in the European Quarter are empty as staffers are in Provence until September. Trump and Putin could have their photo taken next to the statue of King Leopold II.

Cons: It’s a hellhole. Trump could accidentally order filet Américain, thinking it’s a burger.

Snake Island

Where: Island in the Black Sea (also known as Zmiinyi Island).

Pros: Easy to get to for Zelenskyy. The “Snake Island Accord” sounds cool.

Cons: Could be mistaken for Snake Island off the coast of Brazil (Ilha da Queimada Grande), which also has actual snakes on it. In a display of defiance in February 2022, a Ukrainian soldier told the Russian warship that came to attack them: “Go fuck yourself.” Putin might remember that. Lack of quality accommodation as the Russians bombed it.

UFC Fight Night Doha

Where: Ultimate Fighting Championship mixed martial arts event, to be held in Qatar in November.

Pros: Easy for Trump to get to because the Qataris gave him a plane. UFC boss Dana White is close with Trump, with the White House to host a UFC event as part of next year’s July 4 celebrations. Also good for Infantino (if he gets involved) thanks to the close relationships he built there during the 2022 World Cup. Adding Zelenskyy vs. Putin (with Trump as special guest referee) to the card would be must-see TV.

Cons: Few involved are massive fans of democracy.

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

Where: Philadelphia groundskeeping business situated between a sex shop and a crematorium whose parking lot was inadvertently used by former Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani for a press conference.

Pros: Has experience hosting high-profile events. On-site parking.

Cons: Could easily be mistaken for the city’s Four Seasons hotel (as seemingly happened to Giuliani).

Death Star

Where: Space station and superweapon featured in the Star Wars franchise.

Pros: Seriously cool optics. In exchange for giving back all of the occupied territory in Ukraine, Putin could be given a planet such as Tatooine or Dagobah.

Cons: Difficult transport links. Was almost completely destroyed by the Rebel Alliance (although wreckage remains). Fictional (although that could appeal to Putin and Trump).

CAPTION COMPETITION

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by Filippo La Verghetta